{The Police, "Don't Stand So Close To Me"}
In spite of my best intentions, last night I let myself get over tired again, resulting in an unproductive day and a powerful desire to drink. Just yesterday I was thinking about how I didn't want to keep going on this exhausting emotional roller coaster of binging and sobering. But still I wanted to drink so bad this afternoon, to squeeze just a little bit of pleasure out of my evening. To not worry about anything, including getting to sleep, which often feels like dying to me.
So it's all come back round to
Breaking apart again
Breaking apart like I'm made up of glass again
Making it up behind my back again
Holding my breath for the fear of sleep again
{The Cure, "Disintegration"}
When you have the brain of an addict, you binge on anything that gives you pleasure (e.g. booze, drugs, sex, video games, TV shows, etc.). You're loathe to stop because you're so scared—with a blind, unreasoning panic—that you will never find anything enjoyable or engaging again, that the misery you're so familiar with will be your permanent lot in life. This is why the most successful recovering addicts are those who are able to fill that void with some other positive thing and see the horizon beyond the pit of their emotions.
